Pinsan

I have an older male cousin that lived with our family for 8 to 10 years. He was in "some" ways like a kuya. He was considered to be "the" blacksheep of the clan. Constantly in trouble both in and outside of school. Trouble and harm always seems to find their way to my cousin's path.

My Mom on the other hand was the family's ultimate disciplinarian, if there was one person who can straighten out pinsan it was "Ma". She did just that, she raised him like he was her own. Provided him with education and all of the basic necessities.

Pinsan grew up in an evironment which I considered to be chaotic and cruel. How cruel ? What his dad did to him, you won't do to a stray animal. I'm not gonna talk about my uncle though, he passed away 5-8 yrs ago from liver cancer. I'm quite certain my uncle in "warm-warm" place right now.

After my cousin moved out of our home we haven't been in touch. He's now in his late thirties employed as a supervisor in a machine shop, married with 3 kids.

Last december, I decided to celebrate my birthday by treating my family out for dinner. Ma invited Pinsan.

Syempre konting kwentuhan at konting kamustahan.

I've always been a sentient person. While me and my pinsan was doing some catching up I sensed something different about him. He looked tired, worned down and resigned. He used to be overflowing with zest and gusto. Gone is the street-smart assertive punk that he used to be.

"There is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthesis for that"
Al Pacino
Scent of a Woman

Still a long journey ahead of him, his eldest is still in 2nd grade. I can only imagine what he would look like 12-15 years from now. There is still High school and College multiplied by 3 kids. Personally, I don't think he's concerned about him and his wifes retirement welfare. I think he's just waiting for the day the kids finish school, find work. So he could say to them

"Mga anak, bahala na kayo sa akin."

Life is tough. Life has a unique way of wearing a person down. Life is much tougher here in the Pinas.

What about me ?

I've been doing some simple math. Assuming that I earn the same amount for the next 20 years. Take home pay less the expenses, education, emergency money. With whats left I don't think i can afford both a home and a car. That is why for us, One kid is enough ! We do want to enjoy OUR life too !

I consider my productive years as an employee as a time bounded resource. I'm turning 30 this december I probably have 20++ years max before the industry spits me out. Miscalculations can be costly at this stage.