Things I hate, Things I love

I hate the Late show with David Letterman.

I wonder why sometimes I even bother to watch. I swear the laughs that he gets are sympathy ones. Or people forcing themselves to laugh because Letterman was delivering it. It's like teachers (sa pinas) giving better grades to "top" students not because of content/substance but rather by reputation. I don't get it really.

Dave's smile is another thing.. so unsincere. I'd rather watch Oskee Salazars (Cine Silip) cemented smiles.

The top ten list ?? Corny as hell..

Paul Shaffer is another reason. Now if I could just pry his lips off of Lettermans ass. Desperate attempts to save Dave from a bad joke, I can understand. Butting-in on the good one's with unintelligible ramblings I don't get.

I hate cooking shows that does desserts and pastries. I hate sweets.

I love Conan O'Brien

On-the-fly/spot comedy almost never a dull moment with this guy. Come 2009 he'll be replacing Leno as host of the tonight show, a very worthy successor indeed. Too bad he's not aired here in NZ.

I fondly remember the episode where Rebecca Romjin-Stamos guested. :) Conan greeted her and began the interview, and when it got to the part about Rebecca and Stamos's relationship bit. Conan without a word, stood up went in front of his desk and shouted simultaneously kneeling "STAAAAAMOOOOSSSSS..." (lasted 30 seconds i think) in a foiled-evil-villain tone.

I love the Food TV channel (period).

I am starting to become a serious foodie. I am able to replicate my Mom's cooking (and better, much better). Which helps with the homesickness part.

Ma's cooking lessons was aimed at my sister but she'd rather watch those brain-cell deadening gossip shows on sunday afternoons. And those verbal cooking lessons one-by-one unravelled themselves here in wellington.

I love Gordon Ramsay's "Kitchen Nightmare"

I just love watching failure-to-success stories. Watching something that is falling apart and being able to give it a 180 degree twist just gives me a natural high.

One of the reasons why I love tuning databases, something that takes 8-10 hrs to finish with some fiddling becomes a 1 hr and 6 minutes thing, makes me want to run out and shout "I'm the king of the world" in my underwear every fucking time !

I love Ramsay's character and his "if it's worth doing then it's worth doing right" attitude. He's like the Chef version of Tony Montana (Pacino's character in Scarface), always with the F word.

He gets the point across in a very abbrassive manner. If his jarring words and phrasing doesn't get to you then I don't know anything that will. I've seen him break a michellin star chef's ego, no.. shattered is the word.

I love Cook like a Chef

So informative, I'm picking up tons of techniques and insights as to why professional chef's do it the way they do.

I love cooking meat, I will NEVER BE A VEGETARIANISSIMOSKY (made that one up). I am in a trance when people cook slabs and slabs of meat. I love the roasting episode of this show. The chef roasted different meats 9 different ways. And the larding of the meats.. beautiful!

I love Giada De Laurentiis

She's gorgeous ,she cooks and she has lovely teeth. 5 stars in my book ! My wife should SERIOUSLY consider being jealous. She knows I hate/abhor sweets. But when Giada makes it, I watch.

The filipino term "nakakapa-nginig ng laman" applies here. My body temperature rises when I see her.

Giada on TV: "I love making desserts"
I blurt out: "Me too"

Wife ignores but raises one eyebrow

Giada on TV: "I love pouring syrup on newly roasted peaches"
I blurt out: "I'd like to pour syrup on (your) peaches too.."

Wife still ignores but raises 2 eyebrows

Giada on TV: ".. roll the lemon to get more juice out of it.."
I blurt out: "I'd like to roll with you and make juice too."

Wifey looks my way, and laughs.

I'm seriously thinking of doing a Borat Sagidev on Giada. It would be worth it. Let me end this post before I get subpeona'd.

I'm Living 2k7 !

I just woke up.

The last time that I was awake was 1992, first days in college. If there's one person who can be a poster boy for "delaying gratification" its me.

I told myself, I'll enjoy myself after college... that was 1992. I was basically a zombie from thereon.

5 years went fast, got my education, now what ? life still sucks.. hmmm maybe enjoy myself when I'm paid better. I need to find me a job now.

Found work in the manufacturing field wasn't happy another year wasted. Shifted to IT (still in IT).

Worked, worked and worked add another 8 years... pay did get better. Life still sucks, maybe if I immigrate and earn me some dollars... maybe then, I'd enjoy myself.

Waitaminute... that sounds familiar. Somethings not right.

I was thinking, I need to buy a house... when that's all fully paid maybe then I'll enjoy myself. Basing from the predictable thinking pattern that I have I'll probably think... X years (post house payment blues) from now when the house is fully paid, I then need to secure our retirement THEN I'll enjoy myself. How old will I be then ?? Geez... that's probably how they came up with "life begins at 40".

Konsensya: "Ei bro, you think this is Mid life crisis ?"

15 years, from 1992 up until tommorow it's "2 fuckin-K 7" already. Where did the years go ?? I was worried and pre-occupied about the future I forgot about NOW.

15 years geez, I was just going through the motions, nothing spontaneous.. just betting on the predictable and sure “llamado” side of it all. If not for my wife it would have been a solid 15 year rewardless chunk of my life. Thanks, you are my good karma!

Now I have a beautiful 1 year old who is tugging my shirt in one hand and waving the brown bear book on the other.

New years resolutions (NYR) are for WIMPS.

I have been crying when watching movies lately, I guess I now qualify as wimpy... geez I used to be a tough Quiapo kid. Too much estrogen flowing in me, must layoff of soy products.

I've reached nancy-boy-state already so I guess I need to make a NYR.

"I'll try to enjoy life in the NOW state, I'll start with 2K7. "

Excuse me people, I think I need to dance with my baby girl and oh Happy new year !

Virtuoso (not)

Musically, I was late bloomer.

Drunken Master

If memory serves me right, the first time I held a guitar was sometime in 1994-1995. I was in my 3rd-4th year in college, during a drinking session in one of my classmate's house. My friends would take turns playing the guitar, mostly Eraserhead's tunes. Boy-o-boy, How I envied them.

I waited until everybody had a higher alcohol to conciousness ratio before attempting to pick up/play the guitar. I didn't want to be ridiculed by the 'masters'. Picked up the guitar and I tried to play the open "D" major chord that I've memorized during the earlier strumfest. I heard a voice, "you are one fret off, Do it on the 2nd fret".

Aha ! Rex was still half-concious as he intermittently tutored me that night, half of the time the alcohol took him to La-la land. That was my first guitar lesson. I felt like the Jacky Chan of guitar having a drunkard as my mentor.

Beggar Man : You want me to teach you GUITAR ? (points to red nose)
Senorito_ako : Yes, Please master teach me
Beggar Man : Alright, but you have to do what I say
Senorito_ako : Yes master, anything...

The kid

I was a fast and eager learner. In 6 months time, I was strumming as well as the next guy, I was one of 'em, that was it I knew as much as they did (which wasn't much come to think of it).

After graduation, In my first work, I met a forklift operator who knew how to transpose a song from 1 key to another. He told me about 'Family of chords'. He couldn't explain it to me (or didn't want to) but he knew when to play a Major chord to a Minor one. I was intrigued.

On my 2nd work, in an IT company, I was introduced to this wonderful thing called the Internet search engine (Yahoo, Alta Vista). Yep, my 2nd mentor was the Internet. There I found out why the chord shapes are shaped as such and the basics of western music theory.

It was during that time that I got really obsessed with the guitar. I played 2 hours/day on weekdays and 7 hours/day on a weekend. I have to admit that it did help that I had good finger motor skills.

I was hungry for influences as well, I wanted to know the who's who of guitar. From Robert Johnson,Yngwie, Pat Metheny, John Scofield, John Mclaughlin to John Petrucci (Dream Theater) and almost everything in between. Name it and I've immeresed myself into their music. It was a serious hobby, I even took lessons at RJ in Robinson's galleria.

The lessons did help. It overhauled my whole playing technique. I did lose 'the feel' in exchange for better technique.

Back in manila. Despite getting some invites to form a band, I gracefully refused.. not because I didn't want to but because commuting is difficult enough add to that I've to drag a guitar plus accessories.

Cold Turkey

After watching, John Petrucci's (Rock discipline) and Paul Gilbert's (Terrifying guitar) instructional videos, instead of getting inspired the opposite occured... I was floored. I knew then that what they can do with the guitar I will almost never come near at (FYI, neither will Santana and Clapton). I didn't touch the guitar for a month, then it became half a year and then 2 years.

I wanted out and was planning to leave all of my guitar stuff in Manila. But my wife insisted that we bring them over to wellington. She said to me playing guitar was a part of my identity, part of who I am.

Then and Now..

It recently occured to me what the root of my musical frustration stems from. I'm was never a frustrated musician but rather a frustrated virtuoso (wannabe syndrome). I have come to terms with my shortcomings and limits. Nowadays I just try to enjoy playing simple tunes with my trio (currently).

What a waste though, where/when will I get to wear my leather pants and spandex tops now ?


Who knows spinal tap ? Raise your hand ! :P

Immigration blues... atbp

Mommy Sass, Baby Raya and Auntie Raya is leaving Manila today. They will be arriving here in Wellington tommorrow.

I've been getting this heavy guilty feeling... na dahil sa akin eh maraming malulungkot sa pilipinas. The lolo's and lola's who adore's their apo. My In-laws being separated from their favorite daughter. My sister-in-law/bestfriend ni Sassymoon. The first time Tito-Tita and Lolo-Lola from my side of the family. And Raya's nanny... Yaya Helen. Mommy Sass just told me that Yaya was crying more than the grannies.

I feel that I'm a selfish-selfish bastard, It's not an easy burden to carry. For the sake of one persons happiness, Dozens of family members will suffer the inevitable longing and loneliness that is to follow. I always thought that this day I would be happiest. How Ironic that the opposite is true.

I can only come up with one justification. We can either be happy together and financially uncertain or the other way around. I remember one buddhist teaching "Medicine is bitter and poison is sweet". This is how deep and proufound the buddha's teachings are. I haven't been chanting for 2 days.. I should chant later. I helps.

I still remember feeling a envious of my neighbors when their family immigrated to the US (Illegally pa yata). Kasi naman, sa Pinas kapag sinabing mag-aabroad na eh ang kadalasang karugtong eh "Wow.. buti pa sila...". Only now do I realize that immigrating has its emotinal side to it.

I still remember standing outside our balcony at night hoping to catch a cool breeze on a hot Quiapo summer, staring at the stars and wondering where I'm headed and what my future would be. If anybody told me then that in 3 years time I'd be in NZ working in one of the bigger IT companies. I wouldn't have believed you.

That time (3 yrs back), unemployed and broke, We had just set a wedding date. I was still thinking where I would get the wedding money and how soon (if ever) I would be employed again. Financial pressure day-in and day-out, dwindling savings despite the fact that I got a generous separation package from my 2nd work.

The only good thing in my life back then was that I'm good lookin.

After our wedding. I began to ask questions like "How long should we be staying with my In-laws... ". Hindi rin tama yung makikituloy ako sa bubong ng byenan ko ng matagalan. Hindi maganda tignan. I only had ONE wish back then "sana in a years time makapag sarile na kami". I got my wish.

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I've been re-learning blues from ( T-Bone walker song "Stormy Monday" ) a Duke Robillard video. I should listen to happier music.

Voices

I wish i can be as charming as Ethan Hawke in the movie "Before sunrise".

In preparation for the long weekend (Queen's Birthday) I got some weekly DVD rentals and this movie was one of em. In a nutshell, its about 2 strangers meeting on a train and spent 24 hours together. Doing what ? just walking around and talking. It's not like the pissy pseudo intellectual conversations that you see in dawson's creek. Who the hell talks like that anyways ;).

I now have 2 favorite romance movie, the other one would be "Forget paris" by Billy Crystal.

I could never be charming as ME. I could never be myself (literally) when i'm trying to impress women. You see, I can 'do' characters.

In my high school days I was able to accurately capture the voice, tone and phrasing legendary disciplinarian in our school (Sia sien) I can bring the decibel levels of 2 HS rooms in less than 5 seconds flat. Works every single time. :)

When I'm the new guy at work I do the radio DJ ex TV host 'Joe d' Mango' usually does the trick. It's a great icebreaker.

Some of the people that I do: Jaworski, Ahnold Schwarzenegger, Ferdinand Marcos Sr, Mike Enriquez...... sometimes i freak myself out.

A decade back I realized that I've using humor as a tool. I use it to gauge a persons intellect and Humor tolerance. Weirdly I do it 10 seconds after I meet somebody. If you were to ask ppl what were their first impression of me you'd get different answers from outrageously funny to A-hole. Their answers reflect their uptightness as well.

Have you heard of basketball players talking about 'the zone' ? I get it as well... if i'm in the zone or freeballing I can have a whole roomfull of people eat off of my hand. My college years would've made a great DVD. As with anything else my humor has its limitations. It does not reflect on my writing.. that explains my dull blog :).

I do have one special 'act' or character that I do to women that I'm attracted to. It's my secret weapon. Its my ace. It's Mr. Al Pacino. To my female friends reading this, If you haven't seen me do Al Pacino then you know that i'm not interested in anybody within a 2 meter radius. I remember a couple of years back, in one of my dates. I was kinda having the in-the-zone moments with this hot date of mine. I think we had paella with ostrich meat, anyways midway during dinner I pulled out my 'Devil's Advocate/Scent of a woman" act. Totally sealed the deal. Got hitched 2 years after :)

Spiral

I admit it. I am lonely... I have for the longest time been convincing myself that being autonomous was what I needed. All my life I've always had people around me.

My subconcious self have been whispering this phrase for the longest time... "Wouldn't it be nice to be alone for a while... escape from it all. Not think about anybody's welfare, just my own (or us, I do have several "associative" personalities)."

I thought that this is what I wanted.... partially true, I do want to be alone at times. Here in Wellington I have been just that, 5 1/2 months and running.

Again, I find myself fighting off depression. It IS me to get depressed at times. This time, it got to a point where I DON'T want to do anything... I find myself paralyzed. When I get home from work I just want to pop-in some DVD rentals and hope that it shakes off the voidness that I feel. It does just that at least for for an hour and a half. It's a bargain ! an hour and a half less lonely for $2. Finished with the "Comedy" and "Action" section, I am now on the "thriller" section of the video store.

---8<---
"Like as, to make our appetite more keen,
With eager compounds we our palate urge;
As, to prevent our maladies unseen,
We sicken to shun sickness when we purge;"

- Sonnet 118 Shakespeare
---8<---

Buddhist teachings does not deny that material things brings about momentary happiness. Hence I bought me-self a big guitar amplifier (Fender princeton chorus 2x10 inch speakers). "Study chord substitutions !! We wants to be a jazzer remember ? we wants it. (Gnaws on raw fish)".

I thought that would do the trick. I should've know better.... don't work on the symptom, work on the cause... Identify the root!

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I miss my wife. Period.

Just that. The longing, the memory of her warm embraces, her encouraging and reassuring smile. The invisible strength of her presence. I miss the resolution that I finish my day in her arms. The gentle palm squeeze she gives me before sleeping. Small things really, small things that matters to me.

The path to Manhood

My NZ experience has been a character defining experience so far. I've always wondered what it would be like living 'alone'. Having spent 28 years under momma's roof and 1 year under my in-laws roof, I should be ready. Growing up in a 2 bedroom apartment I never really had much personal time and space. It is the first time ever for me to truly have a PERSONAL pc ( Dell laptop).

I've always felt like a kid back in the philippines having people do things for me. I always had my parents and recently my wife to help me decide on things. I've grown dependent on their inputs that it had impaired my evaluation skills. The root cause of my pre-wedding jitters was probably due to the fact I still feel like i'm a kid, not man-enough to start a family of my own.

Being autonomous in NZ exposed my weaknesses on different areas. I am now slowly working on them, one weakness at a time. I can now cook edible(?) food, Wash and Iron my own clothes. I've learned to take care of myself, because if I don't... nobody would.

Absolute freedom. No social obligation/s to dictate how your day will be spent. I enjoy my weekend mini-adventures to wherever-my-bus-pass will take me. I enjoy my weekly where-will-these-2-malaysian-officemates-take-me-for-lunch-this-time food trips.

I enjoy my new found youth as well... let me explain back in the philippines people assume that i'm in my mid-30s or sometime in my 40's. Here in welly people ask me if i'm over 25 and if I have driven before. Ika-nga ng sikyu ng university namin dati eh... “Batam-bata... sariwa.”.

I have never experienced this much personal growth in such a short time. It's not easy as sometimes it does get painfully exhausting. Longing for my baby and specially my wife. Missing my parents my siblings and my “yaya” as well. Loneliness, it is the reason why I wake up with heartache 7 days a week.

Hopefully by the time that my family joins me here in welly I would have completed my transformation from being a big kid to becoming "da Man”.

Kitchen Prodigy

Today marks my 2nd month stay in NZ ! Time flies indeed. I spent my first christmas and new year, outside the pinas, here in wellington. We've been getting nice weather here..6 out of 7 days a week... ganito pala ang summertime dito ! Parang baguio pero malamig pa ng kaunti !

I'm proud to say than in my 2 months stay here, I have always prepared my own breakfast and lunch. I started making sandwiches before going to work initially, did it for 2 weeks... lost a lot of weight !! I'm not a sandwich/bread type of person, even in manila i preferred rice+ulam for breakfast.

The main reason for preparing my own food is its really cheaper to bring-your-own-baon. Lunch or Dinner will cost you 7-10 nzd ,burger joints being the cheapest. Other sandwiches can be 3-4 nzd but the serving/volume is ideal for breakfast only. So In a day you could spend like 25 nzd x 7 days = 175 nzd/week.

Then I figured, since I'd be frying the cold cuts why not fry pork/chicken/lamb/beef instead ? On the start of my 3rd week, I bought some pre marinated lamb shoulder chops. Not a bad start.

The art of frying

On the 4th week I tried chicken. My mother taught me: High heat for fish so the skin will not stick to the kawali (non teflon) and low to medium heat for chicken so the inside will cook and the outerpart doesn't overcook.I got the chicken frying thing figured out on the 4th day.... Days 1,2 &3 the inisdes were slightly raw. Good thing there is microwave in my office.

The Adobo incident

Prior to coming to welly, my wife was insistent that I bring some pinoy recipe books to NZ. She said, it will be one of the few things that will remind me of home. She was right.

Having 4 weeks of solid kitchen experience under my belt I decided that its time for me to actually cook. Adobo sounded easy enough, browsed through the book and found the recipe on page 1.

Ingredients were readily available (dahon ng laurel= bay leaves ). Went shopping the following day to look for Vinegar. Bought this australian made vinegar and soy sauce ('Basic' brand), pork and some chicken. Easy-peasy-Japaneasy !

Started cooking, 30 mins into it and everything looked right and smelled right. Come tasting time something wasn't quite right. Hmmmm.... Is it me or does my adobo taste like battery fluid ??

To be certain, I asked my ex-cop flatmate (Manila's Finest) to taste my adobo. One look at my flatmate and you can tell that he's a tough guy. You can actually tell from his expression that his tastebuds were violated as he politely tried not to spit out my adobo.

I asked him.. "Adobo-con-motolite ba ?" he nodded, went away and didnt speak to me for the rest of the night. I was right ! Battery fluid like indeed. Torture grade recipe... Hitler would've been proud. I wonder if i can sell my recipe to the CIA, NBI.

Cooking 911

Fortunately, My other flatmate remedied my adobo and it actually became edible.

Stubborn, I bought another batch of chicken and cooked adobo again.. slightly altering my ingredients I bought Asian Vinegar and Soy sauce this time. Success was inevitable it Looked right, smelled right and tasted right.

Having a high cooking morale I decided to do something else. My beef mechado I got it right on the first try. I've been having mechado for two days already and that will be my breakfast tomorrow.

Who do I miss the most ?

It has been a groundbreaking and lonely 2 weeks for me. I am now more or less familiar with the technology/tools that my job entails.

I have for the past 2 weeks been wonderin why of all the people I have left back home SHE is the one I miss the most.

Let's start with the runner ups:

I should be missing my Mother the most for I have known her the longest. I, (ehem) for good reasons, am her favorite. I am closest to her. And of us 3, I resemble her the most. Unfortunately Ma, your first runner up.

Second runner up would be my first girlfriend. Sa lahat ng mga naging GF ko sya yung pinaka Maganda, Seksi, Matalino at pinaka yummy. She's my wife (Sorry your 2nd runner up luv).

We have been married for 1 year and 1 month and 3 days as of this blog. Marrying her is the best decision I've made to date.

As Jose Marie Chan'ish the following lines may sound, I'd still would like her to know that:

She's my Lover
She's my woman
She's my best friend
She's my preferred seatmate on Flights PR730, PR731 and sana NZ439.
She's my permanent female bedspacer (People, It doesnt get any more "Quiapo love" than this!)


Fourth place would be my gymmate (at home), my buddy and my good friend. And OH !! HAPPY BIRTH DAY Baby BROTHER !!

I consider myself as one of the funniest guys in the pinas. Its very difficult to make me laugh, one would usually get a smile from me at most. Keng is the only one who could really make me laugh.

His High School life itself is worthy of a Movie and a sequel.

Fifth place would be my Sister, She has been my preffered sparring partner talaga. Keep those punches coming !

But careful the eyes mahal ang magpa-Laser. Remember the time when you made an alkansya of my acoustic guitar ?? hahahhaa LEGENDARY story amongst my college batchmates !

Was my playing really that bad ? You probably still wonder why Ma tolerated 2 electric guitars and hours, days and years of BAD BAD BLUES playing. I'm the BADDEST blues cat in Quiapo!

Daddy-o, Take care of your body and take care of yourself. Passive as you love may seem, we know that you love us and WE love you!! And you APO loves you.

And the Winner is no other than my baby baby girl Raya !

Of all people, You.. I have spent the shortest time with. Two and a half months lang. And yet of all people na kausap ko sa phone, 1 minute with you and I find myself in tears. (Why does my flatmates keep on playing Martin Nievera CD's whenever I'm blogging or on the phone ?? Bwisit ka Martin ! baka mapanuod mo ako ng concert mo kapag ma bisita ako ng Pinas. Mental note: bring tissue)

I just found out why (while finishing up on my laundry).

Through you, I have experience the miracle of Life and the miracle that is life. You are the physical manifestation of the ever growing love of Me and your Mommy have for each other.

Watching you grow marks a moment in me and you mommy's time. You are the calendar and the clock the reminds me of how precious time is. You remind me that peole should celebrate and enjoy life with love ones.

And for that, I thank you. I love you. And I adore you.

Unang lingo sa labas ng Asya

Wow-o-wow... My first week here at Wellington was like an emotional roller coaster.

Landed at wellington at sunday pm sinalubong ako ng magasawang D and C. Nice couple D is a pretty pinay and C was like a young Robert De Niro on his Deer hunter days (co star Cristopher Walken).

Sunday night was really painful for me. Sanay akong katabi ang aking sanggol at ang aking mahal. Probably cried for 2 hrs before going to sleep.

Monday morning sumabay ako papasok sa kanila they played a Martin Nievera CD.
Una naisip ko ang pinas...
naisip ko magulang ko at mga kapatid..
naisip ko si Mahal ( artista pa kaya sya ng channel 2 )...
naisip ko si misis ko.
Nakuha kong pigilin ang luha ko...

pero nung naisip ko ang aking sanggol eh biglang nanginig ang panga ko at paiyak na ako. Teka teka.. dyahe baka akalain nilang meron akong psychological imbalance. Pigil ng kaunti. TANGINA ka martin pinapaiyak mo ako ah.... hindi ako si Pops !! tigilan mo ako... leche !

Tuesday was better... naaliw na ako sa mga tanawin. Kung napapunta na kayo sa enchanted kingdom yung part na merong streets na parang pang US. Eh ganun na ganun. Kaso maraming kalapati.

Wednesday, mejo nagiikot na ako went to customhouse quay civic center ata... lovely place. A tad windy but really nice.

Thursday, went back to the same place during lunch time. Merong dumaang sasakyan na makintab. Nakita ko sarile ko sa kotse.... i look like one of those pinoys na nasa abroad na balut na balut ang pananamit. Hahahahha.... funny perspective.

Friday. 4:30 palang eh nagsi-uwian na ang mga loko... but we had some beer ng 4pm.

Ang layo ng mga kiwi kumpara sa mga amo kong dutch. Ang mga kiwi lahat sinasabing mag relaks lang ako. I bet kung yung dati kong boss na si kulot (patandain mo lang yung mukha ng bata sa alaska milk) eh paglalabahin pa ako.

Nuong nasa pinas ako eh kapag 5:30pm ang uwi ko eh masama na ang tingin ng team mates ko sa akin. Dito umuwi ako ng 5:40 eh ako na ang huling tao sa office.

This is the country for me! I like their working ethics !

Eto na at kakaba-kaba

Samutsari na ang aking nararamdaman ngayon. Masaya, malungkot, excited na hinde, takot at kaba. Nakatanggap na kasi ako ng liham (email) mula sa NZ Embassy makati. Ang sabi sa liham ay malapit na raw mailabas ang aking work visa at kelangan ko lang daw maglabas ng booking certificate na nagpapatunay na meron na akong plane ticket patungong Wellington.

Professional anxiety:

Sapat na ba ang aking kaalamang teknikal ? Gaano kagaling ang mga bumbay (Indian) at puti kumpara sa gwapong kayumanggi na kagaya ko ? Sa ganitong industria (IT kompyuter) eh di sapat ang lakas ng loob at sipag. Kelangan din ng malalim lalim na karunungang teknikal at diskarte.

Personal anxiety:

Dahil hindi naman kalakihan ang apartment na aming nire-rentahan eh kami, bilang isang pamilya, ay naging malapit kami sa isa't isa. (Pwede pala ang prepositional phrase sa tagalog)

Inay at Itay :

Sana'y maalagaan kayo ng mabuti ng dalawa kong kapatid. Kung dati ay ang aking mga magulang ang naging takbuhan ko sa aking mga problema, ngayon naman ako na ang tinatakbuhan nila.

Dati sila ang aking pader, ngayon naman ako ang inaasahan nilang sandalan.

Sister and brother :

Baka sa email ko na lang kayo mapayuhan ng inyong mga problema. Yung nakakabatang kong lalaking kapatid lang ang tanging nakakapagpa-halakhak sa akin magpasa-hanggang ngayon. Sa aking nakakabatang babae, Hindi kami ganun ka close dati, nagiba ang lahat nang ako'y nakisilong na sa aking mga biyenan.

Sa aking Sanggol :

Hindi ko inakala na ang isang maliit na nilalang na kagaya mo ay makakapagbigay sa akin nang labis na kaligayahan. Dahil sayo hindi ko na napapansin ang traffic, init sa loob ng fx, amoy ng katabi ko sa fx. Biglang naging maganda ang mundo ko dahil sa yo.

Ika-nga ng toothpaste commercial eh.. "ang mundo ko... kumukutitap".

Sa aking pinakaminamahal :

huwag ka sanang malungkot,

Wag kang makikining ng Freddie Aguilar

Kamusta ka aking mahal
sana'y nasa mabuti ka
ako'y wag mong intindihin
nakakaraos din

Panaginip ko'y laging ikaw... sinta...
Mahal.. kamusta kaaa...

Ayos! tamang karaoke.

Natatandaan mo kung abril nang tayo'y magbakasyon sa kota kinabalu. Ang ating napagplanuhan ng long term ay ang tayo'y maninirahan sa ibang bansa. Eto yung gusto natin hindi ba ? yung hindi na natin pro-problemahin kung saan kukunin ang pangmatrikula ng ating anak.

Seguridad, seguridad at seguridad para sa ating dalawa kapag tayo'y me edad na. Habang bata pa at kaya pa ng katawan. KAYOD!

Naalala mo yung text ko sayo dating nanliligaw pa ako sayo ? "Each second that passes is like a needle pulled out of my heart. For I know that I will be with you soon." Walang nag-aakala na napaka-kesong (Cheesy) tao ako nun.

Mahal kita.

Pride and Joy

Good gosh !! I've turned into one of em picture-showing-parent type of person. I seem to have develop a habit of showing my baby Raya's picture to whoever passes my place.

When I was still single, I couldn't get why people would show their baby's pic around to people who are clearly not interested. Out of politeness people would give comments like 'Ay ang cute..' some would even ask "meron pa bang ibang pic ?".

I'm addicted !! Whenever I queue up for the commute home, I would open up my cell and browse through Raya's pic. :) She's beautiful ! She looks like her mommy. I love mommy Raya. I love them both. I always have one browser window with Raya's picture. I've even memorized one Nat king cole song... L is for the way you look at me... :)

The next song on my list:

Isn't she lovely
by Stevie Wonder

Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderfull
Isn't she precious
Less than one minute old
I never thought through love we'd be
Making one as lovely as she
But isn't she lovely made from love

Isn't she pretty
Truly the angel's best
Boy, I'm so happy
We have been heaven blessed
I can't believe what God has done
through us he's given life to one
But isn't she lovely made from love

Who would've thought that somebody so tiny could give me soooo much joy and at the same time deprive me of so much sleep. :) My mother... Grandma Raya totally adores her first apo. If I remember correctly Ma never showed that much affection to me or to any of my siblings. Gulpe sarado pa kami ! Now I see what they mean sa term na "Spoiled ng Lolo at Lola".

Our life now centers around our baby. I've never seen my Wife to ever being totally dedicated to something/anything. Now, She wakes up 3am in the morning just to collect collostrum for Raya.

Tama na to.. naiiyak na ako.

Turning Trenta

They say "life begins at 40", it is the time when you are supposed to be financially established, acquired some properties , possibly have some bonds/stock shares tucked away. It is the age where you can mostly buy whatever nifty gadget that you might fancy. Spontaneously decide that you want to vacation in the resort/country that was advertised moments ago in the channel that you were watching.

Life is indeed good, no make that Great !

I think the very same statement applies pressure to people in their 30's or late 20's. The 30's is the make-or-break age group. This is the time when you should be cashing-in on your skills. Or have the necessary "smarts" to know how to invest your money or already pinpointed which business to invest in.

I'm turning 30 this december, that means I only have 10-12 years time to achieve some of the things mentioned in the first paragraph.

Is that a realistic timeline for me ?
Am I in the right field ?
Does the market appreciate my skills ?
Greener pasture ? Where ? Where ?

I'm going to be a daddy soon. More pressure. I need to do it right. So many people depending on me.

Reflecting on some of the points that i've read in Dr. Scott Peck's MD book (Road less travelled). Life is Difficult. The earlier you can come to terms with this fact means the earlier your life would seem easier.

***

Thirty years old... mag tre-trenta anyos na ako. Looking 5-7 years older than my actual age doesn't help one bit. In 3 years time maybe I can develop my own distinct DOM'ish flair. Call me Daddy-O by then. I'll be popular inside beerhouses though, coz I look absolutely papa-ble to the chikedees.

Uso pa ba ang pomada ? syempre kelangang groovy si daddy-o. Eh yung pabangong amoy floorwax ( meron ba nun? ) ? saan ba nakakabili nun ?

Milestones, Jitters, Mental Baggages and Retooling

I've finished all the exams required for my IT certification. I just need to take a required Hands-on course with Oracle to cement my certification status. I'm eyeing the Real Application Clusters class which according to them will be available around September.

Four exams taken in a span of exactly four months. I know a peer who's still reviewing for the first exam, its his 4th month and counting (Good luck!). That meant NO TV, NO Guitars and the discipline of exerting effort not to add on life's distractions.

I can now watch TV without the guilty 'I-should-be-reviewing' feeling. I am now re-establishing my old couch potato patterns starting with the show called 'Insomniac by Dave Attell' (Jack TV) .

Daddy-di-do-du....

I will be a daddy in the coming month. I think my baby Raya is a natural swimmer, she's been doing some tumble-turns inside her mommy's belly. :) My Wifey has been asking me to give her lower back (Spinal Erector area) some massages. I hope i did good.

I've been getting jitters similar to the ones i got before my wedding. Although not as intense as the pre-wedding jitters, it has the same diuretic effect on my system. Adult diapers here i come ! Sitting on my own pee has its own charm.

Mental Baggages:

4 Questions that I constantly ask myself are:
1. Are we financially capable to support a kid ?
2. Did I mess up two of my interviews ?
3. Did I mess up two of my interviews ?
4. Did I mess up two of my interviews ?

Retooling.

I am now in my re-tooling phase. I've been reading up on some materials to beef-up my skill sets.

Bakit kasi hindi na lang ako ipinanganak na gwapo eh... eh di sana wala nang problema.

Ika nga ni Bong Revilla jr. eh "Isang kindat, isang ngiti at isang suntok lang kumikita na ako".

Pinsan

I have an older male cousin that lived with our family for 8 to 10 years. He was in "some" ways like a kuya. He was considered to be "the" blacksheep of the clan. Constantly in trouble both in and outside of school. Trouble and harm always seems to find their way to my cousin's path.

My Mom on the other hand was the family's ultimate disciplinarian, if there was one person who can straighten out pinsan it was "Ma". She did just that, she raised him like he was her own. Provided him with education and all of the basic necessities.

Pinsan grew up in an evironment which I considered to be chaotic and cruel. How cruel ? What his dad did to him, you won't do to a stray animal. I'm not gonna talk about my uncle though, he passed away 5-8 yrs ago from liver cancer. I'm quite certain my uncle in "warm-warm" place right now.

After my cousin moved out of our home we haven't been in touch. He's now in his late thirties employed as a supervisor in a machine shop, married with 3 kids.

Last december, I decided to celebrate my birthday by treating my family out for dinner. Ma invited Pinsan.

Syempre konting kwentuhan at konting kamustahan.

I've always been a sentient person. While me and my pinsan was doing some catching up I sensed something different about him. He looked tired, worned down and resigned. He used to be overflowing with zest and gusto. Gone is the street-smart assertive punk that he used to be.

"There is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthesis for that"
Al Pacino
Scent of a Woman

Still a long journey ahead of him, his eldest is still in 2nd grade. I can only imagine what he would look like 12-15 years from now. There is still High school and College multiplied by 3 kids. Personally, I don't think he's concerned about him and his wifes retirement welfare. I think he's just waiting for the day the kids finish school, find work. So he could say to them

"Mga anak, bahala na kayo sa akin."

Life is tough. Life has a unique way of wearing a person down. Life is much tougher here in the Pinas.

What about me ?

I've been doing some simple math. Assuming that I earn the same amount for the next 20 years. Take home pay less the expenses, education, emergency money. With whats left I don't think i can afford both a home and a car. That is why for us, One kid is enough ! We do want to enjoy OUR life too !

I consider my productive years as an employee as a time bounded resource. I'm turning 30 this december I probably have 20++ years max before the industry spits me out. Miscalculations can be costly at this stage.