Spiral

I admit it. I am lonely... I have for the longest time been convincing myself that being autonomous was what I needed. All my life I've always had people around me.

My subconcious self have been whispering this phrase for the longest time... "Wouldn't it be nice to be alone for a while... escape from it all. Not think about anybody's welfare, just my own (or us, I do have several "associative" personalities)."

I thought that this is what I wanted.... partially true, I do want to be alone at times. Here in Wellington I have been just that, 5 1/2 months and running.

Again, I find myself fighting off depression. It IS me to get depressed at times. This time, it got to a point where I DON'T want to do anything... I find myself paralyzed. When I get home from work I just want to pop-in some DVD rentals and hope that it shakes off the voidness that I feel. It does just that at least for for an hour and a half. It's a bargain ! an hour and a half less lonely for $2. Finished with the "Comedy" and "Action" section, I am now on the "thriller" section of the video store.

---8<---
"Like as, to make our appetite more keen,
With eager compounds we our palate urge;
As, to prevent our maladies unseen,
We sicken to shun sickness when we purge;"

- Sonnet 118 Shakespeare
---8<---

Buddhist teachings does not deny that material things brings about momentary happiness. Hence I bought me-self a big guitar amplifier (Fender princeton chorus 2x10 inch speakers). "Study chord substitutions !! We wants to be a jazzer remember ? we wants it. (Gnaws on raw fish)".

I thought that would do the trick. I should've know better.... don't work on the symptom, work on the cause... Identify the root!

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I miss my wife. Period.

Just that. The longing, the memory of her warm embraces, her encouraging and reassuring smile. The invisible strength of her presence. I miss the resolution that I finish my day in her arms. The gentle palm squeeze she gives me before sleeping. Small things really, small things that matters to me.