Zugschwang - "a compulsion to move"

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Spiral

I admit it. I am lonely... I have for the longest time been convincing myself that being autonomous was what I needed. All my life I've always had people around me.

My subconcious self have been whispering this phrase for the longest time... "Wouldn't it be nice to be alone for a while... escape from it all. Not think about anybody's welfare, just my own (or us, I do have several "associative" personalities)."

I thought that this is what I wanted.... partially true, I do want to be alone at times. Here in Wellington I have been just that, 5 1/2 months and running.

Again, I find myself fighting off depression. It IS me to get depressed at times. This time, it got to a point where I DON'T want to do anything... I find myself paralyzed. When I get home from work I just want to pop-in some DVD rentals and hope that it shakes off the voidness that I feel. It does just that at least for for an hour and a half. It's a bargain ! an hour and a half less lonely for $2. Finished with the "Comedy" and "Action" section, I am now on the "thriller" section of the video store.

---8<---
"Like as, to make our appetite more keen,
With eager compounds we our palate urge;
As, to prevent our maladies unseen,
We sicken to shun sickness when we purge;"

- Sonnet 118 Shakespeare
---8<---

Buddhist teachings does not deny that material things brings about momentary happiness. Hence I bought me-self a big guitar amplifier (Fender princeton chorus 2x10 inch speakers). "Study chord substitutions !! We wants to be a jazzer remember ? we wants it. (Gnaws on raw fish)".

I thought that would do the trick. I should've know better.... don't work on the symptom, work on the cause... Identify the root!

.
.
.

I miss my wife. Period.

Just that. The longing, the memory of her warm embraces, her encouraging and reassuring smile. The invisible strength of her presence. I miss the resolution that I finish my day in her arms. The gentle palm squeeze she gives me before sleeping. Small things really, small things that matters to me.

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14 Comments:

  • At 4:35 PM, Blogger Ka Uro said…

    i can relate with what you're feeling. hang on, the time will come when she and raya will be there with you. mabilis naman ang panahon. imagine 5 months na pala. parang weeks pa lang nung dumating ka sa welli. at least madali pa rin kayong magkausap. phone, email or chat. when i was in saudi during the 90s, snail mail lang ang means of communication namin.

     
  • At 8:34 PM, Blogger ev said…

    thanks for dropping by at my blogsite...kalungkot naman pala life mo dyan,iba talaga pag malayo ka sa mga mahal mo sa buhay..but then the important thing is you have this constant communication with them..that's what keep us going actually...and i agree that wonderful things in life don't have to come in big package..nasa mga maliliit at simpleng bagay ang totoong happiness.

     
  • At 9:43 PM, Blogger Senorito<- Ako said…

    We do get to chat everyday.. talk everyday (skype) We get to see each other (webcam). I might go crazy pag snail mail... coz of her handwritting.. then i'd be complaining. :) (kidding)

    Hello Evelyn. I hope your feeling much much better now.

     
  • At 4:34 AM, Blogger Char said…

    kainis ka! I feel like a disney movie and i want to call up someone to tell them I love them! Kainis ka!!!!

    Pssst. "Thriller" section eh. Child of the 80s ka rin nga ano. Alam mo yung commercial ng RA home video (i think yun yung name)dati?

     
  • At 12:48 AM, Blogger Jovs said…

    O sige na Char, call me na! Bwahahaha! Just kidding.

    Oi Vin... malapit na diba? The weeks before their arrival may seem vvveery slow, but the few days before will really just fly by.

     
  • At 4:56 PM, Blogger Senorito<- Ako said…

    char : The one that starts witn starwars than has some clips of Mr. T and smurf ? hahahaha... Betamax.. those were the days.

    Jovs : It's the other way around really. The days seems to drag on but the weeks seem to fly by.

     
  • At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Joy said…

    Hey I'm late here...

    I feel for you. Hang on in there, your family will join you soon, right?

    Suki ka na pala ng video store. Baka may 50% discount ka na sa susunod. :-))

    Cheer up!

     
  • At 3:49 PM, Blogger Sassafras said…

    ganda naman sulat-kamay ko ah... hihi :)

    wala pa visa ni lil sis...sana lumabas na para maconfirm ko na ang tentative booking namin. magkahalong dread at excitement nararamdaman ko. alam kong alam mo kung bakit. i appreciate your being a very loving and patient husband. see you very soon :)

     
  • At 4:31 AM, Blogger ev said…

    i'm ok!thanks for visiting my little haven....dalaw ka naman uli!:)

     
  • At 1:35 PM, Blogger Senorito<- Ako said…

    Joy: Yep 50% off for the first month of membership. :)

    Mommy Moon: I miss you.

    Evs: I'm there !

     
  • At 12:30 PM, Blogger fionski said…

    *sniff*

     
  • At 12:48 AM, Anonymous Joy said…

    hey, just dropping by. You must be having a great time with family now.

    Write soon!

     
  • At 7:46 PM, Anonymous zantha said…

    vin, thanks for your well-wishes, and for dropping by my blogiste!

    naiyak ako sa nasulat mo about sass. just look forward to her and raya going over there soon :) TC!!!

     
  • At 3:07 AM, Anonymous bing said…

    i think nostalgia normally sets in once in a while for people who basically is used to being with other people, too. it cant be helped. but it will pass, that's for sure. though there are cases where an individual cant fight it and do drastic acts..

     

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