Zugschwang - "a compulsion to move"

Monday, June 19, 2006

Immigration blues... atbp

Mommy Sass, Baby Raya and Auntie Raya is leaving Manila today. They will be arriving here in Wellington tommorrow.

I've been getting this heavy guilty feeling... na dahil sa akin eh maraming malulungkot sa pilipinas. The lolo's and lola's who adore's their apo. My In-laws being separated from their favorite daughter. My sister-in-law/bestfriend ni Sassymoon. The first time Tito-Tita and Lolo-Lola from my side of the family. And Raya's nanny... Yaya Helen. Mommy Sass just told me that Yaya was crying more than the grannies.

I feel that I'm a selfish-selfish bastard, It's not an easy burden to carry. For the sake of one persons happiness, Dozens of family members will suffer the inevitable longing and loneliness that is to follow. I always thought that this day I would be happiest. How Ironic that the opposite is true.

I can only come up with one justification. We can either be happy together and financially uncertain or the other way around. I remember one buddhist teaching "Medicine is bitter and poison is sweet". This is how deep and proufound the buddha's teachings are. I haven't been chanting for 2 days.. I should chant later. I helps.

I still remember feeling a envious of my neighbors when their family immigrated to the US (Illegally pa yata). Kasi naman, sa Pinas kapag sinabing mag-aabroad na eh ang kadalasang karugtong eh "Wow.. buti pa sila...". Only now do I realize that immigrating has its emotinal side to it.

I still remember standing outside our balcony at night hoping to catch a cool breeze on a hot Quiapo summer, staring at the stars and wondering where I'm headed and what my future would be. If anybody told me then that in 3 years time I'd be in NZ working in one of the bigger IT companies. I wouldn't have believed you.

That time (3 yrs back), unemployed and broke, We had just set a wedding date. I was still thinking where I would get the wedding money and how soon (if ever) I would be employed again. Financial pressure day-in and day-out, dwindling savings despite the fact that I got a generous separation package from my 2nd work.

The only good thing in my life back then was that I'm good lookin.

After our wedding. I began to ask questions like "How long should we be staying with my In-laws... ". Hindi rin tama yung makikituloy ako sa bubong ng byenan ko ng matagalan. Hindi maganda tignan. I only had ONE wish back then "sana in a years time makapag sarile na kami". I got my wish.

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I've been re-learning blues from ( T-Bone walker song "Stormy Monday" ) a Duke Robillard video. I should listen to happier music.

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8 Comments:

  • At 12:11 AM, Blogger Jovs said…

    As they always say, there's always trade offs. Didn't know that today was the day Sass & Raya fly off to Welly... but wishing you all a happy reunion!

     
  • At 4:07 AM, Blogger Char said…

    please tell Shinyhapps and Raya that I'm sorry I forgot to call them! Was pretty busy this past couple of days. Damn... no more Sunday afternoons in Rob place with your wifey while Raya is with your parents. I miss Sassy na.

     
  • At 11:12 PM, Blogger Senorito<- Ako said…

    jovs -> Yep... gosh i feel so sad.. andaming umiiyak sa manila. :(

    Char -> check whether you can try here as a dentist. You are most welcome to stay with us. :)

     
  • At 10:57 AM, Blogger Ka Uro said…

    "the only good thing in my life back then was that I'm good lookin."

    that's the spirit!

    natuloy na ba sila sass and raya?

     
  • At 6:18 PM, Blogger Jovs said…

    Sa laagy na yan, pag-aagawan pala natin si Char... we were urging her to look into Aust eh! =p

     
  • At 2:00 PM, Blogger KJS said…

    I am half Filipina, half white (American) and unfortunately do not speak or read tagalog, which really sucks for me when I try to read your blogs. Well, I know how to say hello, good-bye, thank you and Merry Christmas.

    I am sure my mother went through the same emotions that you described in this post when she came to the U.S. over 20 years ago. I know that is in no way relevant to your situation today, but I just thought I would comment. Where is that fine line between happiness and money?

     
  • At 4:29 PM, Blogger Senorito<- Ako said…

    Hello KJS,

    Thanks for dropping by.

    It's not that I'm miserable here... In fact I LOVE it here. The occasional bouts with loneliness/homesickness is inevitable being a new migrant and all.

     
  • At 8:00 PM, Blogger Analyse said…

    hey, dont feel guilty, i guess raya appreciates it more that she's near her parents than anyone else.. and i'm sure you'll appreciate it more to see every milestones she takes right infront of your eyes.. well, for me, i cant imagine myself leaving my little louna, even in my parents' place and follow her evolution by phone.. i just cant.. sarap kaya ng pag uwi mo from work, there's those innocent smiles waiting for you di ba... but of course, i know that it's emotionally difficult to leave loveones back home.. and iniisip ko na lang, buti nga sila magkakasama e, ako si louna lang at frenchguy kasama ko dito..

    ps: thanks for visiting my hideaway.. i knew that raya loves the water too.. i saw the pix in mommy sassy's page!

     

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