Immigration blues... atbp

Mommy Sass, Baby Raya and Auntie Raya is leaving Manila today. They will be arriving here in Wellington tommorrow.

I've been getting this heavy guilty feeling... na dahil sa akin eh maraming malulungkot sa pilipinas. The lolo's and lola's who adore's their apo. My In-laws being separated from their favorite daughter. My sister-in-law/bestfriend ni Sassymoon. The first time Tito-Tita and Lolo-Lola from my side of the family. And Raya's nanny... Yaya Helen. Mommy Sass just told me that Yaya was crying more than the grannies.

I feel that I'm a selfish-selfish bastard, It's not an easy burden to carry. For the sake of one persons happiness, Dozens of family members will suffer the inevitable longing and loneliness that is to follow. I always thought that this day I would be happiest. How Ironic that the opposite is true.

I can only come up with one justification. We can either be happy together and financially uncertain or the other way around. I remember one buddhist teaching "Medicine is bitter and poison is sweet". This is how deep and proufound the buddha's teachings are. I haven't been chanting for 2 days.. I should chant later. I helps.

I still remember feeling a envious of my neighbors when their family immigrated to the US (Illegally pa yata). Kasi naman, sa Pinas kapag sinabing mag-aabroad na eh ang kadalasang karugtong eh "Wow.. buti pa sila...". Only now do I realize that immigrating has its emotinal side to it.

I still remember standing outside our balcony at night hoping to catch a cool breeze on a hot Quiapo summer, staring at the stars and wondering where I'm headed and what my future would be. If anybody told me then that in 3 years time I'd be in NZ working in one of the bigger IT companies. I wouldn't have believed you.

That time (3 yrs back), unemployed and broke, We had just set a wedding date. I was still thinking where I would get the wedding money and how soon (if ever) I would be employed again. Financial pressure day-in and day-out, dwindling savings despite the fact that I got a generous separation package from my 2nd work.

The only good thing in my life back then was that I'm good lookin.

After our wedding. I began to ask questions like "How long should we be staying with my In-laws... ". Hindi rin tama yung makikituloy ako sa bubong ng byenan ko ng matagalan. Hindi maganda tignan. I only had ONE wish back then "sana in a years time makapag sarile na kami". I got my wish.

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I've been re-learning blues from ( T-Bone walker song "Stormy Monday" ) a Duke Robillard video. I should listen to happier music.