Things I hate, Things I love

I hate the Late show with David Letterman.

I wonder why sometimes I even bother to watch. I swear the laughs that he gets are sympathy ones. Or people forcing themselves to laugh because Letterman was delivering it. It's like teachers (sa pinas) giving better grades to "top" students not because of content/substance but rather by reputation. I don't get it really.

Dave's smile is another thing.. so unsincere. I'd rather watch Oskee Salazars (Cine Silip) cemented smiles.

The top ten list ?? Corny as hell..

Paul Shaffer is another reason. Now if I could just pry his lips off of Lettermans ass. Desperate attempts to save Dave from a bad joke, I can understand. Butting-in on the good one's with unintelligible ramblings I don't get.

I hate cooking shows that does desserts and pastries. I hate sweets.

I love Conan O'Brien

On-the-fly/spot comedy almost never a dull moment with this guy. Come 2009 he'll be replacing Leno as host of the tonight show, a very worthy successor indeed. Too bad he's not aired here in NZ.

I fondly remember the episode where Rebecca Romjin-Stamos guested. :) Conan greeted her and began the interview, and when it got to the part about Rebecca and Stamos's relationship bit. Conan without a word, stood up went in front of his desk and shouted simultaneously kneeling "STAAAAAMOOOOSSSSS..." (lasted 30 seconds i think) in a foiled-evil-villain tone.

I love the Food TV channel (period).

I am starting to become a serious foodie. I am able to replicate my Mom's cooking (and better, much better). Which helps with the homesickness part.

Ma's cooking lessons was aimed at my sister but she'd rather watch those brain-cell deadening gossip shows on sunday afternoons. And those verbal cooking lessons one-by-one unravelled themselves here in wellington.

I love Gordon Ramsay's "Kitchen Nightmare"

I just love watching failure-to-success stories. Watching something that is falling apart and being able to give it a 180 degree twist just gives me a natural high.

One of the reasons why I love tuning databases, something that takes 8-10 hrs to finish with some fiddling becomes a 1 hr and 6 minutes thing, makes me want to run out and shout "I'm the king of the world" in my underwear every fucking time !

I love Ramsay's character and his "if it's worth doing then it's worth doing right" attitude. He's like the Chef version of Tony Montana (Pacino's character in Scarface), always with the F word.

He gets the point across in a very abbrassive manner. If his jarring words and phrasing doesn't get to you then I don't know anything that will. I've seen him break a michellin star chef's ego, no.. shattered is the word.

I love Cook like a Chef

So informative, I'm picking up tons of techniques and insights as to why professional chef's do it the way they do.

I love cooking meat, I will NEVER BE A VEGETARIANISSIMOSKY (made that one up). I am in a trance when people cook slabs and slabs of meat. I love the roasting episode of this show. The chef roasted different meats 9 different ways. And the larding of the meats.. beautiful!

I love Giada De Laurentiis

She's gorgeous ,she cooks and she has lovely teeth. 5 stars in my book ! My wife should SERIOUSLY consider being jealous. She knows I hate/abhor sweets. But when Giada makes it, I watch.

The filipino term "nakakapa-nginig ng laman" applies here. My body temperature rises when I see her.

Giada on TV: "I love making desserts"
I blurt out: "Me too"

Wife ignores but raises one eyebrow

Giada on TV: "I love pouring syrup on newly roasted peaches"
I blurt out: "I'd like to pour syrup on (your) peaches too.."

Wife still ignores but raises 2 eyebrows

Giada on TV: ".. roll the lemon to get more juice out of it.."
I blurt out: "I'd like to roll with you and make juice too."

Wifey looks my way, and laughs.

I'm seriously thinking of doing a Borat Sagidev on Giada. It would be worth it. Let me end this post before I get subpeona'd.

Pluto's pain, Mickey is KING

Due to my baby girl's hogging the Telly (TV), I've no choice but to watch cartoons with her.

* Ever wondered why of all animals there's a majority of "el Pato" characters there ? ( Huey, dewey and louie )

This is where Hefner (Hugh) gets it wrong.



Rabbits ain't horny. Ducks are ! What happens if you have a pantless-duck in a sailor suit run freely ? You get more "El Pato" characters in the show that's what.

* Ever wondered why the rodent Mickey is king of the bunch ?? huh ? ever wondered ?



He's the first one to get it right. PANTS ! The others run freely in full commando mode.


Come to think of it, if we live in a pantless world honesty will be more apparent. Women would know if a guy finds her attractive, he'd give her his "full attention". You'd know which person is cold or in-heat.


* Heir Apparent

He might look and sound goofy but he's next in line. After the rodent king comes the alpha male Goof. He has a hat, gloves, shirt plus vest and the ever essential PANTS ! Or he could just be OC.


If anything happens to the rat then then this dog takes over.

* Pluto's pain

My heart ache's for this mutt. He probably has an extra chromosome or two. Unlike goof he's barenaked, can't speak, chases his own tail. And to add insult to injury he's "the" pet of king rodent.



There we have it, my useless pontification of things that never mattered.

Doncha just hate..

Don't you just hate it when your-crush talks to her-crush. And he'd tell her the stupidest/corniest joke. How stupid/corny ? its enough to make Kuya Jermz look intelligent and witty. It's that bad.

And you know what's more ANNOYING ?? After their FAKE LAUGHTER dies down. A very EEERIE 2 second silence follows where they give each other the 'I-want-you' look. For fucks' sake... get a room.

Konsensya: Uuuyy... Jelly! ( Pinoy slang : "Jealous")
Senorito : Ulul

Don't you just hate it when your the last person to board a tricycle ?? And you have no choice but to sit behind the trike driver.

What's revolting is when you catch him, the Jinggoy look-a-like sporting a Noel "UNGGA" Ayala hairdo driver, scratching his armpit THEN touches his buntot (tail-like hair extension) and does it REPEATEDLY ? And coincidentally, on the hottest day of summer.

On the way (to wherever), his buntot catches my nose... I tried to avoid it by looking away and the buntot still has enough "reach" to tickle my right cheek. Uggh.

Konsensya: Moist pa ba ?
Senorito : Are you takin a piss ? (wanker)

Don't you just hate it when you look 10 years older than your age ???

A fellow employee addresses you as "Sir" and YOU-THINK they do that because your on supervisory level, straight out of college.

True story...After some small talk
Bogart : Sir, Ilan na po ba ang anak nyo ? ( He was 25 then )
Senorito : Ako wala pa.... hindi pa nga ako nag aasawa eh
Bogart : Sir Ilan taon na po ba kayo ?
Senorito : Ah kaka-21 ko pa lang ( just turned 21 last month ) nung isang bwan

Bogart with is mouth gaping open takes 2 steps backward.

Had I known that I look 10 years older, I would've watch "Adult only/R18" movies when I was 8 !

Guard : "Boy, Ilang taon ka na ?"
Senorito (8yr old): "18 na po"
Guard : "Ok, pasok"
Senorito : "Saging ni pasing.. here I come !" (Fiction ito)

Don't you just hate the general good-always-wins-over-evil storyline on most movies ? In the pinas they even throw in the 'kapupulutan ng aral' bit. It does not reflect reality.

For once I would like to see Bella Flores having the last laugh.

Allow me to pitch a quick story line:

Bella Flores : Rich wife of a senator who has a collection of 'boy toys'.
Judy Ann Santos : Saleslady of some store. The love of Piolo's life (what else is new).
Piolo Pascual: Materialistic "call boy" torn between Bella and Judy Ann.

Super-dooper Memorable ending: Bella wins... Bella offers piolo a house plus a brand new 4x4 if he agrees to a threesome with Oddette Khan. Ends with a bed/shower scene ofcourse. I'd pay good money to see this one. Now "That's entertainment".

Kuya Jermz: "Huwat a coincedeeeeeence... "

Techie rant

Don't you just hate Windows ??

I split (splat ?) my HD into 5 partitions, 4 of which is for Windows and 1 for Ubuntu linux. In one of my Windows directory (NTFS), resides the documentation for 3 DB versions... lotsa files and subdirectories. If I use my windows explorer to open that directory XP seems to hang and (for a minute) freezes the other application as well. And NO, I don't think the other application competes with I/O at the time.

Ubuntu Linux seems to handle NTFS far much better than WINDOZE ? What gives ?

Divine comedy

"Nope, I won't be father-ing her child. Not after this" I said to myself 15 years ago.

The following is a true story.

3 Years earlier. (18 yrs ago)

My mom, bein an alumni, transfered me to this school in Tondo. That was the year 1988, I can still remember my first impressions of my new school as I took my first ten steps inside.

I said, "Wow, rubber coated floors. Rust free gates, Coke-a-cola vendo machine and a huge quadrangle to run around". This is where I'll be spending the next 4 years of my life.

"High school life, oh my high school life
ev’ry memory kay ganda
high school days, oh my high school days
are exciting kay saya" - Sharon Cuneta

First day of class.

I still remember going up the stairs to the 5th floor, looking for my new room. I entered, found a seat somewhere near the window (NAWASA dome view) and settled in. As I gave the room a quick glance, my eyes kept coming back to this girl's face. Like a compass that intuitively finds the north, my eyes always resolved to wherever she was. It was like that from my 2nd day till I graduated from HS.

I was ecstastic when I found that she was on the same afternoon class (all 4 years). That's where my luck with her ended.

Let's call her Esmeralda. She had the face on an angel, the shape of a ballerina and gracefullness of a swan.

I was a dark skinned, semi-chubby with glasses, super oily/shiny skinned kid wearing pants that was too short. And oh, I sported bad bad haircuts (Mama, why?) for 4 years. If there was one guy who knew how Quasimodo felt, twas me.

"Tale as old as time".... Naah fuck that, too dramatic.

1 of 5

I spent 1 of every 5 minutes worshipping her/ daydream on how wonderful "our life" would be after highschool. Ofcourse, none of that shit ever happened. The closes I got to that, was borrowing some Ärchie comics from her. Back then, I was wonderin if Archie was EVER going to score with either Veronica or Betty.

She was popular and I was on the opposite realm. Like the mathematical fact that goes, "If you come halfway from pt. A to pt. E and repeat it each time ( again half closer). It will get infinitely close but never intersect".

"High school love, my one high school love
not infatuation or crush
tunay ‘to, siya ang buhay ko
di n’yo lang alam ako’y nagba-blush
bakit nga ba ang first love ko
ay di serious, so it seems?
kung alam lang ng first love ko
(s)he is always in my dreams. " - Shawie (pa rin)

I find myself limbo whenever she's near. I can literally feel logic and cognitive abilities shutting down. She was like green kryptonite.. and me ? I was still Quasimodo. I recall (3rd yr HS) the time when she approached me.

Esmeralda: "Nakita mo si 'Ge' ?" (Have you seen Geraldine ?)
Senorito : "Ha ? (pauses) Hindi ako si Geraldine" (I'm not Geraldine)
Konsyensya :"What the... DUDE... minsan ka na lang kausapin saka mo papakitaan ng ka weirdo-han mo... Naman-naman tsong !"

Once upon an afternoon, Time stopped.

T'was one ordinary afternoon sprinkled with extraordinary stupidity.

I was happily chewing my gum for the first 2 afternoon subjects, the bell rang and the 2nd break for the afternoon commenced.

I wanted to throw the gum but was too lazy to stand up and throw it properly. As I spat out the gum to my hand... rolled it into a perfect circle and threw it.

The minute the gum left my hand, it decided to slightly stick to my index finger one last fucking time. Thus altering my aim and ruining my trajectory. 3 inches off my hand, I figured it could only land on 2 person. The basketball varsity or Esmeralda.

It happened fast and everything was a blur, yet metaphorically, I vividly remember every detail of it.

The varsity guy didn't make the team because of his 'basketball skills' but more for his 'court enforcement' pressence. He's a HUGE guy who can open a can-of-whoop-ass on anybody, anytime !

I was praying that it landed on Mr. Brawny but as fate would have it. It landed at the top most part of Esmeralda's head.

"Accidents can happen
and into one i'm gonna slide
there's a good chance to give my hands on a little romance
when two hearts collide " - Haven't we met ( Kenny Rankin )

Couldn't get worse you think ? You're a FOOL to underestimate my STUPIDITY... read on, FOOL.

I quickly ran over and "tried" to rectify the situation. How, you ask (FOOL) ?

Instead of just taking the gum out by cutting a small amount of hair. (Adam Sandler mode-) "I HAD TO TAKE THE ADJACENT HAIR TO COVER THE GUM UP !! WHOOPEEEDEEEDOOO EINSTEIN !! "

"Nope, I won't be father-ing her child. Not after this."

In the end, we had to cut out a huge amount of hair off of her. For 3 months she had to sport the one length/spike (very 80's) hairdo.

People would come up to her and asked what happened... she would tell the story, they would look my way and laugh.. I would close both eyes and slightly bow my head.

I can still hear their laughter to this very day.

Crazy-As-Fuck

These individuals are my personal Crazy-as-fuck Top 3 awardee.


3rd place goes to...My uncle.

He's so cheap, that when he changed the locks of the main gate of one of his apartment he didn't issue any keys to his tenants. Why ? to save money perhaps ? a trip to the local locksmith (Mr. quickie) is too troublesome ? We'll never know ( Uncle passed away ).

How did the tenants got in the bldg ? Read on.

My uncle made a looped 'alambre' string poke out of the door. All you need is to pull it and the door would open. It took him almost a month constructing the levers at the back of the door so it opens.

How did he do it ?

That's probably the reason why my uncle stood at the gate for 1 week looking at the newly installed lock. How would he be able to twist the knob from the outside and get consistent results ? He couldn't... nobody could. So what he did was dismantled the lock casing exposing the inner workings of the lock. There, he saw a small lever that needed a simple pull and.. WALAH... door opens.

Wouldnt it would be cheaper just to leave the broken lock ? I mean sure.. the lock works. It takes no Einstein to figure out how a tenant would simply pull an out-of-place string on the door to enter the building.

You see my uncle was financially well off.... he needn't work to earn. Too much idle time and too much McGyver reruns/too much Mang Tomas (same themesong).

Another thing about him is he's smart, but thinks that EVERYBODY around him are idiots (he's probably 99% accurate.. a daughter of his is Suma or Magna-cum-laude). He even designed and made his own golf trolley out of aluminum pipings and pram (baby trolley) wheels. Coz he believes that he can make a lighter golf trolley model... and he did. Maybe the lechon sauce did work.

Back to the door. It's like having this super duper hi-tech 3-ton door with all of the modern security whizbang encryption only to have the password spray painted on the door itself.

2nd place goes to.... Mike Brown (Dancing bodybuilder, Author and Visionary).

I've several links to his site so you guys know that I'm not makin stuff up.

http://www.leviticus11.com/index.htm

Too lazy to read through his posts ? Here's some appetizer.

Dancing bodybuilder

"Fish that have fins and scales have a filtering mechanism to keep impurities out of the meat. Those that don't have fins and scales don't have this filtering mechanism. Going one step further, lobster and shrimp are the cockroaches of the oceans. Without them, there'd be miles of muck on the ocean floor.

Never heard any of this before? It's in one of the most published books on earth. Most people have a copy, or easy access to one. Few ever read or apply it. It's the Bible. The clean and unclean food descriptions (but not the scientific reasoning) are found in Leviticus 11 and Deuteronomy 14. Try it for 60 days and see for yourself. "

This guy actually wrote a book...

Sex Money and Power

"Sex, Money and Power: The Bible Shows You How" is the end of result of 30 years of bible study, observations of biblical principles in action, and more than a few failures experienced by the author.

--- Some excerpts.

"Noah’s Flood took place on Mars. Noah’s ark was an interplanetary aircraft (pages 32-36)"
"Almost half of the Book of Exodus describes how to construct a self-propelled flying vehicle (pages 40-41 )"
"An aircraft of some sort, sent to destroy Ninevah, gave Jonah radiation sickness (page 58)"

WOW.

This website is just a goldmine of this stuff. Better yet, BUY THE BOOK and read it while enjoying your coconut milk beverage. :) Either he's a kook or a comedy-diety.

PS. If any of you thinks he's a prophet or a messiah and what he says is the truth. PLEASE email me your details and your personal webpage. I will gladly gladly gladly accomodate you in my very prestigious Crazy-as-FUCK lineup.

First place goes to... Che-che.

Who's Che-che ? Open the link (in another page) and scroll down.. it's somewhere there...

In the news

"# Former prostitute Sarah Jane Salazar, now 23, was the first to have gone public about her medical condition in the Philippines. The country's Department of Health hired her in 1995 to front its anti-Aids campaign.

She quit in September 1996 and afterwards revealed that she was involved sexually with a 16-year-old who had tested negative for HIV and was the father of her son. "

I remember Che-che. WAIT, Let me correct that... I will never forget Che-che. I find it unfortunate that the article didn't even mentioned his name.

To Me, Che-che is the horniest Filipino of our time. Sya ang pinaka.... PINAKA malibog na pilipino sa ating panahon. If I remember correctly their relationship started AFTER Sarah declared that she has HIV positive. I thought I was a horny teenager but THIS guy....he's in a class all his own.

Whatever happened to delayed gratification ? Remeber that study where they told children that if they didn't eat the first icecream they would be given another one after x number of minutes ? I bet if they had che-che as one of the kids he would've grabbed the ice cream and NOT eat it but rather stick it down his pants. He'd reason that he had eaten ice cream before but his penis haven't had/felt icecream EVER.

I wonder what would Lt. Slade say about him.

Lt. Slade :"This minnow (pauses) couldnt wait any longer.. (semi shoutingly says) he's gonna go (shouts) LOCO.. if he don't get any HOO-HAH."

I guess Che-che reached a point where masturbation was not an option anymore (Tama na, sobra na.. gusto nya tutuo na). He need's it.. in the worst possible way. An that he got... in the worst possible way.

"I want to break free ( Read: I want to get laid )
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied I don't need you (Read : My right hand )
I've got to break free
God knows God knows I want to break free"

Then as fate would have it... he met Sarah Jane.

"I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time
And this time I know it's for real
I've fallen in love yeah
God knows God knows I've fallen in love"

Saludo ako sayo kabayan !

Was it just LUST or was it love ?

"Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom." - W.Shakespeare

-----

Lt. Slade <-- Al Pacino character in Scent of a woman.

Congratulations to all of the people who actually took the time in reading this lengthy blog. I hope you guys come out stupider after reading it. After writing it, I know I have.

QUIAPO_DIET

The Quiapo Diet

Ever wonder why people from Quiapo are generally thinner. They look and act distinctly different as well. They have a different aura from the rest of the Manileno's. And a different outlook in life as well. It is not difficult to see that they have low bodyfat levels simply because most of the males in Quiapo has their shirts off.

I will share with you the secrets to their diets, lifestyle and choice of exercise activities.

Most, if not all of the diets advocates change in the following areas:

**Choice and Volume of food intake
**Lifestyle change
**Promotes Exercise
**Suggests vitamin supplementations

The Quiapo diet is similar and yet different from most of the mainstream diets like South beach, Atkins and Protein power. Most of the diets mentioned lets you go through a low carb Induction phase. This is because our body is geared towards burning carbohydrates for energy as opposed to using bodyfat.

The Induction phase also aims to increase your insulin sensitivity via carb intake control and introducing exercise to your daily routine. You will lose excess water and salts from your body at this stage. Lethargic feelings that go with this phase is due to the fact that when we excrete excess salts we lose both good and bad salts. Potassium supplementations are suggested.

After briefly highlighting the similarities with other diets. We will start with things that distinctly belongs to "The Quiapo Diet".

The Diet.

The diet consists of the following:

Breakfast
Coffee
3 pieces of pandesal

Lunch and Dinner
3-5 cups of Rice
1 Fish
1 Cup of soup ( Any soup will do )

I bet most of you will be already be shaking your head, and some of you shocked to see the volume of food intake per meal required by this Diet. I strongly encourage you to read on and find out how this diet would work.

The Diet works because the meal is actually shared by a family of 4-6 individuals. Usually the parents plus 2-3 kids.

The Lifestyle

Most of us are accustomed to sleeping in beds with soft or semi soft matresses. Sleeping inside rooms ventilated by airconditioners and/or electric fans. The Quiapo diet encourages you to sleep on street pavements. People tend to burn more calories/eat less during times of discomfort.

Exercise

Jogging burns more calorie than walking. Running burns more than Jogging.

Sure you can run to get fit. But there is a more exciting activity than running. It's called snatching ! Go ahead take the necklace of the person beside you and start running. People will be after you in no time so rest at your own risk !

It's the only Diet that has a 3 prong approach ! Reduce caloric intake, Increase resting metabolic rate through discomfort and INTENSE excercise.

Start doing the Quiapo diet now and start losing weight immediately !


---
I hope nobody gets offended, i just have too much holiday time kasi. :)

My Version of the Quiapo Diet is "Fine Dining" na pala... check out the link below to find out the 'economy' version of the QD!
http://www.pcij.org/i-report/1/soup-kitchen.html

Anak-ng-PUTIK !

Nung isang araw eh nagpapa-lipat-lipat ako ng channel naghahanap ng mapapanood. Nang bigla akong natigilan sa nakita ko sa Cinema One. Totoo ba ang mga imaheng tumatambad sa aking mga mata ? Dininig na pala ang isa sa panalangin ko ! Anak-ng-PUTIK ! Bakit wala man lang nagsabi sa akin na nagsama na sila sa isang pelikula !

Si Ina Raymundo at si Shirley Fuentes. Anong tema ng palabas kamo ?? BIKINI WATCH.

Hesusmaryosep !!

Ganito kasi yun. Ako'y me hinahanap na katangian sa mukha ng isang babae. Ako ay lubos na nabibighani sa mga mukhang 1. Ubod ng maamo O yung mga 2. Mejo Mataray-taray ang dating. Gusto ko lang linawin na mataray ang dating at hindi mala Bella Flores o Odette Khan!

Si Ginang Ina Raymundo ay me maamong mukha na me katiting na anghang. Hindi ko naman sya napapansin ng gaano nuong mga panahong patok pa ang "Sabado Nights". Pero nagiba ang timpla at klima ng aking katawan nang napanuod ko ang palabas nyang "Burlesk Queen". Nagiba na ang pananaw ko simula nuon.

Si Shirley Fuentes naman. Tisay at mataray taray ang dating... kakaibang timpla.. nakakagigil. Parati kong inaabangan ang mga biernes na mapapanuod ko sya sa Bubble gang. TGIF indeed.

Bukod sa dalawang ginang na nabanggit ko eh dinagdagan pa nila ng ilang mga babaeng dayuhan. Aba kumpletos rekados na ! They even threw in something to please the colonial yearnings of the pinoys. How thoughtful indeed !

Datapwat ako'y lubos na nalilibang sa palatuntunan ng mga panahong iyon eh merong mga napanood akong mga eksena na lubos na bumabagabag sa aking pagkatao. Tiniis ko ang mga kabulastugan at kakenkoyan ni Andrew E., Raffy Rodriguez (Kapatid ni Ruby), Ismokey Manoloto.

Ang hindi ko matiis eh nung tinanggal ni Andrew E. ang bathrobe nya at suot suot nya ang 2 piece bathing suit. Nakupo !! nuong pagtalikod nya eh Thong bikini pala !

Hesusmaryosep !!

Hindi pa rin ako mapakale.

Ang tanong na lumulutang lutang sa aking isipan ngayon eh kung nagtambal din ba sa Pinilakang tabing sina Francine Prieto at Michelle Bayle ??