Zugschwang - "a compulsion to move"

Friday, July 21, 2006

Crazy-As-Fuck

These individuals are my personal Crazy-as-fuck Top 3 awardee.


3rd place goes to...My uncle.

He's so cheap, that when he changed the locks of the main gate of one of his apartment he didn't issue any keys to his tenants. Why ? to save money perhaps ? a trip to the local locksmith (Mr. quickie) is too troublesome ? We'll never know ( Uncle passed away ).

How did the tenants got in the bldg ? Read on.

My uncle made a looped 'alambre' string poke out of the door. All you need is to pull it and the door would open. It took him almost a month constructing the levers at the back of the door so it opens.

How did he do it ?

That's probably the reason why my uncle stood at the gate for 1 week looking at the newly installed lock. How would he be able to twist the knob from the outside and get consistent results ? He couldn't... nobody could. So what he did was dismantled the lock casing exposing the inner workings of the lock. There, he saw a small lever that needed a simple pull and.. WALAH... door opens.

Wouldnt it would be cheaper just to leave the broken lock ? I mean sure.. the lock works. It takes no Einstein to figure out how a tenant would simply pull an out-of-place string on the door to enter the building.

You see my uncle was financially well off.... he needn't work to earn. Too much idle time and too much McGyver reruns/too much Mang Tomas (same themesong).

Another thing about him is he's smart, but thinks that EVERYBODY around him are idiots (he's probably 99% accurate.. a daughter of his is Suma or Magna-cum-laude). He even designed and made his own golf trolley out of aluminum pipings and pram (baby trolley) wheels. Coz he believes that he can make a lighter golf trolley model... and he did. Maybe the lechon sauce did work.

Back to the door. It's like having this super duper hi-tech 3-ton door with all of the modern security whizbang encryption only to have the password spray painted on the door itself.

2nd place goes to.... Mike Brown (Dancing bodybuilder, Author and Visionary).

I've several links to his site so you guys know that I'm not makin stuff up.

http://www.leviticus11.com/index.htm

Too lazy to read through his posts ? Here's some appetizer.

Dancing bodybuilder

"Fish that have fins and scales have a filtering mechanism to keep impurities out of the meat. Those that don't have fins and scales don't have this filtering mechanism. Going one step further, lobster and shrimp are the cockroaches of the oceans. Without them, there'd be miles of muck on the ocean floor.

Never heard any of this before? It's in one of the most published books on earth. Most people have a copy, or easy access to one. Few ever read or apply it. It's the Bible. The clean and unclean food descriptions (but not the scientific reasoning) are found in Leviticus 11 and Deuteronomy 14. Try it for 60 days and see for yourself. "

This guy actually wrote a book...

Sex Money and Power


"Sex, Money and Power: The Bible Shows You How" is the end of result of 30 years of bible study, observations of biblical principles in action, and more than a few failures experienced by the author.


--- Some excerpts.

"Noah’s Flood took place on Mars. Noah’s ark was an interplanetary aircraft (pages 32-36)"
"Almost half of the Book of Exodus describes how to construct a self-propelled flying vehicle (pages 40-41 )"
"An aircraft of some sort, sent to destroy Ninevah, gave Jonah radiation sickness (page 58)"


WOW.

This website is just a goldmine of this stuff. Better yet, BUY THE BOOK and read it while enjoying your coconut milk beverage. :) Either he's a kook or a comedy-diety.

PS. If any of you thinks he's a prophet or a messiah and what he says is the truth. PLEASE email me your details and your personal webpage. I will gladly gladly gladly accomodate you in my very prestigious Crazy-as-FUCK lineup.

First place goes to... Che-che.

Who's Che-che ? Open the link (in another page) and scroll down.. it's somewhere there...

In the news

"# Former prostitute Sarah Jane Salazar, now 23, was the first to have gone public about her medical condition in the Philippines. The country's Department of Health hired her in 1995 to front its anti-Aids campaign.

She quit in September 1996 and afterwards revealed that she was involved sexually with a 16-year-old who had tested negative for HIV and was the father of her son. "


I remember Che-che. WAIT, Let me correct that... I will never forget Che-che. I find it unfortunate that the article didn't even mentioned his name.

To Me, Che-che is the horniest Filipino of our time. Sya ang pinaka.... PINAKA malibog na pilipino sa ating panahon. If I remember correctly their relationship started AFTER Sarah declared that she has HIV positive. I thought I was a horny teenager but THIS guy....he's in a class all his own.

Whatever happened to delayed gratification ? Remeber that study where they told children that if they didn't eat the first icecream they would be given another one after x number of minutes ? I bet if they had che-che as one of the kids he would've grabbed the ice cream and NOT eat it but rather stick it down his pants. He'd reason that he had eaten ice cream before but his penis haven't had/felt icecream EVER.

I wonder what would Lt. Slade say about him.

Lt. Slade :"This minnow (pauses) couldnt wait any longer.. (semi shoutingly says) he's gonna go (shouts) LOCO.. if he don't get any HOO-HAH."

I guess Che-che reached a point where masturbation was not an option anymore (Tama na, sobra na.. gusto nya tutuo na). He need's it.. in the worst possible way. An that he got... in the worst possible way.


"I want to break free ( Read: I want to get laid )
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied I don't need you (Read : My right hand )
I've got to break free
God knows God knows I want to break free"


Then as fate would have it... he met Sarah Jane.

"I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time
And this time I know it's for real
I've fallen in love yeah
God knows God knows I've fallen in love"

Saludo ako sayo kabayan !

Was it just LUST or was it love ?

"Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom." - W.Shakespeare


-----

Lt. Slade <-- Al Pacino character in Scent of a woman.

Congratulations to all of the people who actually took the time in reading this lengthy blog. I hope you guys come out stupider after reading it. After writing it, I know I have.

Labels:

21 Comments:

  • At 12:57 AM, Blogger KJS said…

    As I am composing this comment, I am still laughing. Great dose of Zugschwang in the morning.

     
  • At 3:01 AM, Blogger Char said…

    ROTFL!!!

    KAINIS KA!!!!! Naalala ko tuloy si Cheche!!!!

     
  • At 4:26 AM, Blogger j said…

    i loved the story about your Uncle...but Che? medyo turn-off :)

     
  • At 9:04 AM, Blogger Senorito<- Ako said…

    Jairam: My humour is an acquired taste... ppl initially find it irritating. Trust me it grows on you. :) If not well....

    Hello char ! :) hale is painful pala especially with the signal #3 like wind here in wellington.

    KJS : 10 days to go to nyc ?? same date Nikon will be releasing a new SLR :) Not that I can afford 1 yet hahaha..

     
  • At 11:55 PM, Blogger Senor Enrique said…

    I happen to like your post :) That uncle of yours must have been some character.

    Your humor reminds of those I used to only come across on shows in cable TV.

    Very funny!


    P.S.

    I have tagged you for this meme that came from Jairam. Hope you find time to do it.

    Eric

     
  • At 3:38 AM, Blogger abssss said…

    Very interesting uncle. Sa mga pamangkin, stingy?

     
  • At 12:57 AM, Blogger Jovs said…

    Pare, if we put up a show for you during Melbourne's yearly Comedy Festival, papatok ka! =) No joke, you make my stomach hurt. Ayoko na nga sanang basahin eh, kasi mahaba, but can't resist!

     
  • At 1:42 AM, Blogger ~ aNgBaTaNgKaLyE ~ said…

    Brod, nice post! Just want to let you know that you're one of my idols! It's nice to know also that your wife and kid are already there with you at NZ...Someday I'll follow your footstep...

    ~aNgBaTaNgKaLyE~

     
  • At 11:49 AM, Anonymous Joy said…

    ha ha ha Was this a practice sketch for a one- man comedy show?
    Your wit is interesting with a mix of, err, dunno how to say it... was thinking at first if you had PMS while writing this post hahaha

    Great post!

     
  • At 9:17 PM, Blogger Senorito<- Ako said…

    batangkalye -> Wag kang mag alala sa aussie ang kababagsakan mo tsong.

    joy -> Angry comedian bit. Yep you got it. :)

    abss -> stingy sa lahat.

    Jovs -> Btw, I got the kiwi accent down ! :)

    senor enrique -> I'll try the heavily truncated 'tag thing'

     
  • At 1:30 AM, Blogger ~ aNgBaTaNgKaLyE ~ said…

    Brod ..di ko ma gets ibig mo sabihin sa comment mo na .." punta ka ng SM bili ka ng 'Baleno' na thermal underwear na pants mga 100 isa nun. Winter pa kasi eh. Or kuha ka ng maraming yelo at dun mo ibabad ang tlogits mo para masanay sa lamig. " ... Ano ibig mo iparating brod ??

     
  • At 1:36 AM, Blogger ~ aNgBaTaNgKaLyE ~ said…

    Pre idol pa naman kita ! Me problema ka ba? Bilib pa naman ako sa yo! Bilis mo naman tumaas ang ere!

    Kung me problema ka magsabi ka lang!

    ~ aNgBaTaNgKaLyE~

     
  • At 1:56 AM, Blogger ~ aNgBaTaNgKaLyE ~ said…

    Nirerespeto pa naman kita !Tanginamo senorito kang kupal ka ! Papakainin kita ng bala dito sa pilipinas! Kupal ka !

    Kita tayo sa finaLs! Gago ka !

     
  • At 2:44 AM, Blogger ~ aNgBaTaNgKaLyE ~ said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At 3:15 AM, Blogger ~ aNgBaTaNgKaLyE ~ said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At 9:09 AM, Blogger Senorito<- Ako said…

    tsong.. relaks lang.. 'baleno' is a thermal underwear brand na mura sa pinas.

    Since pupunta ka ng aussie tsaka winter mabuting bumili ka ng ilang pares. 100php lang ang isa mahal ang thermal wear sa aussie and nz.

    It was more of a tip than anything else. I have 10-12 of those 'baleno' undies and I am freaking glad i bought those lalu na ngayong winter.

    The other comment was my fault. Sorry. What I meant was 'training' yung sa lamig. Grabe ka na man mag react pinag mumura mo na ako kaagad.

     
  • At 9:24 AM, Blogger Senorito<- Ako said…

    I left my apologies on your 'blog'.

     
  • At 6:58 PM, Blogger ~ aNgBaTaNgKaLyE ~ said…

    Brod accept my apologies... Tao lang ! Nabigla lang ako! Hindi ko kasi na gets ibig mo sabihin..I already deleted the post that refers to you.

    I owe you one...

     
  • At 10:01 PM, Blogger Senorito<- Ako said…

    angbatangkalye -> Well I take it that you took my apologies as well. Quits na tayo oks ?

    Good luck sa Aussie and do include your training sa resume mo. Btw, Spring starts around September onwards.

     
  • At 4:15 PM, Blogger KJS said…

    This post still makes me laugh. I just wanted to thank you for your comments. I can't believe I'm finally in NYC ... now I just need to figure out what I am going to do.

     
  • At 11:44 AM, Blogger minotte's notes said…

    hi senyorito, mahilig pa man din ako sa crabs and shrimp. .

    thanks for pointing out my typo, $55k a year, we're a family of 7.

    what is a zugschwang?

     

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home